THE LINGERING PAIN OF LOSS

It’s been a couple weeks or so since we lost her beloved pet, our Shih Tzu -Pomeranian mix that our daughter got at a garage sale and who lived to a ripe old age of 17 and gave so much to our lives during that time and was not really ready to go, but we had to do so to avoid his suffering. A hard call and a hard, emotional moment. And then our own suffering begins and hangs around.

ODE TO WOOKIE

Oh little old one
Oh Wookie crossing another bridge like you owned it
that cocky strut and no looking back
tail blowing in the wind
This is all that is left of you here
jagged mementos lying around like
harsh out of tune chords that burst out
every so often just to make us wince again
a food dish sitting empty in the corner
a leash hanging in the shadows pieces of grass you’d tracked in
a jacket for thunderstorms and your cozy bed holding your indentation.

Plus the inevitable guilt pressing down
what pulling the proverbial trigger
to end this harmless creature’s life can spark
Wondering whether now was the right time
replaying the final scene in which he had no inkling
that this was his last walk last drink last pee last ride
his final sniff of scents on trees
that would jazz his brain jazz his whole metabolism really
sheer pleasure of being alive I guess
those daily canine habits and mysteries
that never failed to entertain
His loyal loving inquiring gaze we always held long enough
for it to all sink in both ways if truth be told
his wanting to be right up against us
to take away the chill while feeling safe in a scary world
especially when his capacities were drifting away.

One last look at this special human beside him to the end
That ticking down instant with
my hand over his amazing heart just as it stopped
and an era screeched to a halt with it.
Seventeen sweet funny years we will surely treasure
and already miss.

Yes, there were headaches he could provoke
vomiting on a new rug
the insistence on going out no matter the weather
whenever the spirit moved him
and sometimes not quite making it out the door in time
off the chart anxiety every time we had to go in the car
but all those annoyances I toss aside now
as I stare at the equation as I do the math
as I collect the mementos and calculate
how much more he had given than taken.

A shaken survivor standing here now
following good boy Wookie’s favorite path
burning a torch for him and wishing him peace
feeling selfish for being able
to still beat my heart and breathe in air.© David Park